So I hid for years, trying to ensure I never gave the slightest hint of wanting to transgress gender norms while rocking all kinds of fierce looks in the privacy of my own home. When I first decided to transition on the job, I looked to the Human Resources policy guidebook. At the very least, you are getting a better understanding of what is important to her, and that makes it important to you. If your marriage is already in trouble, it could easily be the thing that causes it to fall apart completely. This will be a long hike. Then she read My Husband Betty and came with a lot of questions a few days later. In college I had to come out to new friends or a new professor every semester.
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I am In the same situation. The think that gets me is that he acts as if his feelings are in a box that should not affect you, yet he blames you for having feelings that affected him. Those are things that you find out when you have a relationship or you're talking or whatever. So if you get married… You may be me. Also, hate can make you do things you would not do nor want to do. Take your whole self to work—including in logistical contexts. Right after high school, I came out as gay.
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So I still try to control my urges to dress. This was not how I wanted to tell her but I definitely think being honest from the start is the best way. This helps you stay grounded in life. She was hurt, angry, confused, and sad. Also, have you considered getting counseling for yourself? There are support groups that you can go to that are receptive to spouses. Not everyone — some people are just full of hatred — but other people will tell those people to shut up and grow up.
Transition may have the effect of putting a focus on you. My experience with coming out to my spouse was somewhat different. I use female pronouns for the transgendered partner. It really depends on the strength of the bond between the two of you, your evolution as a trans-person, and the compromises that the two of you make to keep the marriage together. Having a transgendered partner in a marriage complicates things.